How to ask for something new in the bedroom

Ah, the early days of a relationship: You can’t get enough of each other, you’re ravenous, you’re shagging on every available surface.

If you’re with someone long enough, that early exploratory phase often settles into something more routine. And there’s nothing wrong with that! It’s absolutely delicious when you and your partner know exactly how to please each other.

But what happens when you want to try something new? As one subscriber recently told me:

“I struggle with communicating to my partner about what I'd like to try that's different. How do you share your need to expand a sexual ‘repertoire’ without sounding weird or needy or threatening?”

Excellent question! Here’s my best advice.

I’m a big fan of the ‘Yes-No-Maybe’ list. Here’s the idea: You and your partner(s) fill out a worksheet that lists all manner of sexual activities. For each item, you decide if it’s a “yes,” a “no,” or a “maybe.”

You can make your own list, or download a template like this one.

I suggest each person fills out the list on their own, with the privacy to answer each question honestly. Then, come back together and compare notes.

This is where the magic happens. As you go through each activity on the list, you’ll learn more about your partner, and they’ll learn more about you. It’s a low-stakes, mutual discovery exercise that allows you to voice new desires you may not have disclosed before.

My dear subscriber was worried that asking for something new in bed would make them sound “weird or needy or threatening.” I get it! Especially if it’s a long-term partner, disrupting the sexual status quo can feel scary.

I think the ‘Yes-No-Maybe’ list helps here too, because it takes the pressure off you being the singular “needy” partner asking for something new (which, by the way, doesn’t actually make you needy). Instead, you engage in the exercise on equal footing, each stating needs and desires together.

As you work through this conversation, I encourage all parties to remain curious. Telling your partner that you’re interested in something new is simply an opening, a suggestion. It’s not a demand, and therefore shouldn’t sound “threatening.”

That’s especially important because, well, your partner(s) may not consent to your request. And that’s okay, too! If your “yes” is their “no,” don’t push. Instead, look for common ground. Are there any “maybes” on the list that could be a growth edge? There’s a possibility to move in a new direction.

I’m sorry to say, I will not be giving you advice on how to avoid sounding “weird.”

There’s nothing wrong with being weird. Weird is good. Weird is great! GET WEIRD!

Okay, jokes aside, your sexual repertoire can (and should) be as unique as you. If it gives you pleasure, and your partner is into it, there ain’t nothing weird about it.

Wanna try being tied up? Yeehaw! Get some rope, partner.

Wanna try feet stuff? Bring your sweatiest socks, and then give it whirl!

Wanna try pain play? Agree on a safe word and go to town.

I’m not here to judge you for any sexual desire, and neither should your partner. Go forth and find your most sparking sexual pleasure, together.

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This week, I leave you with a sunset from my recent trip to Limnos, a delightful little island in Greece.